From the Desk of Your Training Director: Happy Holidays and a Few Thoughts

Morning Haired Training Director
December 24th, 2019

Dear Fellows (and residents in my clinic),


I woke up this morning feeling guilty.  Not devastatingly guilty as in depression guilty.

No, I woke up feeling I had dropped the ball and wanting to correct that.


You see, for the last 23 years or so, I conscientiously send Holiday cards to family members, friends, colleagues and in the last many years to my trainees as well.


Ideally, each for my trainees would be hand written and individualized meaningfully ....and that ideal version of me 1-never existed in the first place and 2-the closest approximation of my ideal self (always kind, considerate, compassionate, patient and wise) visits more or less regularly but is not a stable house guest.


Well this year, I chose not to make cards (you know the ones, with smiling family members doing cool things) and was planning to hand write one for each of you in an aspirational fit that felt do-able at the time and, alas, fell to the side (though technically I have till the end of January but we are beyond gestures and more into content at this point-content needed before the holidays I think...)


So, here we go, not exactly individualized but content-meaningful wishes to all:


1-You each mean more to me than you know.

I am so happy to work with talented, smart, interesting and struggling- to- be-even- better young people everyday. It is an enormous privilege to be given a role in helping you grow and develop your potentials and I always learn from each of you.

2-For those of you who struggle with the finding-a-mate stage of life:

My (certainly insufficient but reasonably evidence based) observation would be that like with anything in life, authenticity and honesty are your friend.  The clearer you are about who you are, what makes you tick, what you suffocate from and can't breathe without, how you make choices etc....the more you will recognize the person(s) you can be with long term clearly and within a seemingly huge crowd.  In a sense, there is a convergence opportunity for you that the same approach will also make you a much better and happier physician in our specialty which is so much about relational abilities and health, so...I promise to continue nudging you in that regard.

3-For those of you who struggle with the OMG nobody told me having kids was going to be so hard stage:

They might have told you and you might have thought they were exaggerating but you have amnesia now about any pre-kids details.  They might have not told you, not to fool you, but because they knew it would be hard and that you could handle it big picture.
So, let's validate first: yes, there are ridiculously stressful moments. Yes, it's hard on the relationship with that mate you found. Yes, it's incredibly challenging to both prioritize parenting and immersion in a medical specialty fellowship.

Now, from someone who flunked self-care spectacularly at several points in her life: you HAVE to remember a few guiding principles: a-kids are very sensitive to your own anxieties and well-being---so a major reason to take care of yourself since it immediately helps with the parenting part that makes you anxious; b-anxiety tells you that you are never giving enough as a parent. From where I stand watching, you are giving gifts that will flourish one day including role modeling doing your best in challenging circumstances, tolerance of imperfection, and the very important example of caring about the world...because honestly, the world needs you: a world where people only care about themselves and/or their family is headed towards many sorrows.  It may also help to know (which you are learning in this fellowship already) that children evolve and change. There will very likely be affection deserts at some point, from the same kids who will currently not leave your lap and use your nervous system to regulate theirs.  You will struggle with that even if you knew that was coming.  Your engagement with the world will continue on throughout all the stages of your children's development. Not that that engagement is simple, keep reading.

4-For all of us who struggle with the enormously unmet global and local needs in our field:

There is a risk for all of us to oscillate between various manifestations of amygdala highjack: wanting to run away because how can we really make a dent? Wanting to fight like a tiger to make a dent! The long term requires a reflective daily commitment: remember why you are doing what you do, why you chose it (this is where authenticity and honesty come in handy) and that there are ways of contributing which do not fix the entire world but address the well being of children and their families here and far. You are developing major skills to help with those needs. Your skills will continue to grow long after fellowship if we (you and your teachers) do our job right. Let's validate how overwhelmed we get at times, how that can sabotage our own well-being and work at continuing to make and find the meaning that we chose in the first place.

5-For all of you: 

Wishing you the best today and always. By the best I never mean the easiest. I mean the best of continued growth, wisdom and ability to love and connect with ourselves, each other and those around us including our patients and their families.


Meilleurs voeux!!!!

Love,

Anne