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| May 2020 |
Says my 23 year old son a few nights ago.
Context: my negative expressed emotion level about my experience of nervous system irritants reached an all time quarantine high (the chronic suboptimal state of the kitchen, the noise level and quality of noise in the garage gym etc....)
This made me think a lot.
1-To meditate or not to meditate?
2-Do I already meditate?
3-If I do, am I doing it in a way that helps as much as possible?
Regarding 1: Yes. According to one of the most comprehensive review 2014 meta-analysis on the topic, mindfulness meditation shows significant if small to moderate reduction in the negative dimensions of well being.
In other words, things like dampening emotional dysregulation or easing anxiety.
Not a panacea but likely to help some. So something to add to sleep, nutrition, exercise and in my case, a medication to prevent the relapse of depression or generalized anxiety.
Moving on to 2: I definitely practice daily what can be called flow meditation: I get absorbed in very specific things like morning reflection drinking coffee, powerlifting , walking or working. I enter a place of concentration, mental clarity and peace. I don't like when I am distracted from flow (e.g., by nervous system irritants like a dirty kitchen or misogynistic songs or even just a little too much testosterone in my work out environment).
My nervous system and thus my flow is environmentally sensitive. That's not a news flash: this is why yoga studios usually smell good and pay respect to our typical responses to soothing vs. irritating conditions.
It can be a vicious cycle: irritated nervous system=no flow=more irritated nervous system etc...
This was definitely the case the few first times I had clinic at home in our new coronavirus world, while 5 different music sources, some too loud, battled for my attention while the WiFi seemed perpetually destabilized by anyone using the microwave oven (don't scoff, it's a thing according to the How-To Geek archives). I am used to giving all my attention to my patients and it was difficult. I know have noise canceling headphones and a clearer arrangement with the home team, whose members, all kind and smart but not clinically savvy, were taken aback by the tyranny of my expectations regarding creating a clinic friendly decorum.
3-OK, so I flow meditate. Is it the same as mindfulness meditation?
No. As one of my awesome residents, Giuseppe, reminded me this morning, there might be commonalities but there is also divergence. So if you think in Factor Analysis terms (no worries if you don't): the flow factor and the mindfulness factor are not fully perpendicular but they diverge.
So, what exactly is mindfulness?
These days, chances are that unless you live under a rock, your mind will wander to coronavirus related worries and thoughts. A big pile of those.
We all have different circumstances and mine shield me from lack of food or shelter worries in my pile.
I am speaking as me, private citizen here. My pile is big and ugly still with many nooks and crannies; the main structures are these though:
Health worries for loved ones and people-my patients and people in general. There is already plenty of evidence that we are going to take further steps back and that health disparities that were plaguing our community will be further exacerbated. This was described poignantly in a recent paper co-authored by our colleague Jason Purnell at WashU.
Consternation that many deaths, pain, haphazard strategies were entirely avoidable. The odds of one or more pandemic in the 21st century were close to 100%. The odds that the infrastructure elements needed to face this reality would be systematically devalued and dismantled by a rational government 0%. The painful reality that we are not governed rationally 100%. The even more 100% painful reality that way too many people, including some I treat, love, would like to help in principle and practice...too many people STILL would/will vote to keep this same ever worsening government in place.
This is the part where I take stock of the pile and regularly feel drained of compassion, resiliency and hope, entering a pit of despair as I linger and touch the pile.
So what would mindfulness meditation look like?
I see the pile.
I look at the pile.
I continue my meditation, not getting stuck at the pile.
I look at the emotions I have for the pile.
I don't hoard them.
I let them go.
Including the emotion that doing this does not reduce the pile.
I'm going to try.
All my love,
Anne
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