Watching me watching myself and really watching myself

Watching myself, November 2019

This morning as I listened to myself give details to one of our fellows Max about how I was losing weight because I really wanted to reach the next weight class of 63 kg in powerlifting, I heard, not for the first time something that gave me a little pause.

I tell all my students that our greatest strengths can be and often are our greatest weaknesses.  Usually not at the same time.

So... I do not have an overvalued idea about losing weight. I am using the psychiatric term for overvalued idea here: an idea that is a-false; b-takes a lot of room and space; c-impacts the ideator significantly. When an anorectic girl believes she is fat and acts on that to restrict food intake, is a classic example of an overvalued idea. It's not a delusion, which is much more tenacious.
It's not an obsession which enters your head without being invited typically...it can have obsessional characteristics but that is different.

My belief that I should lose weight is sound not false. To illustrate: I have health goals that doctors would agree I have not met yet by some metrics such as BMI -just now "normal" as of a few days ago or waist circumference and I do not look skinny.  Furthermore for the sport I want to compete in, it's an eminently reasonable strategy to lose weight: competing in a lower weight class overall as I continue to get stronger and compete against stronger people ups my chances of eventually attending a national level meet which would be very fun.  Nationally the 72 kg weight class, even for my age, has many people that are very out of my league and the 63 kg class does also but less.

So health goals and competition strategy are converging nicely into a reasonable goal.

So why my furrowed brow? Why the pause?

I already had a very full life before powerlifting.  I did many other important if less self focused things before losing weight.  I was healthy in some ways but not physically as I was inching unavoidably towards health consequences of obesity.  I was also less healthy emotionally overall than I am now.

I lost about 60 pounds in the last 4 years (which does not paint the full picture of gaining  muscle mass as well) including about 7 in the past month on a new keto diet. I started keto-ing to accelerate a process that was going well given the general odds of losing weight and keeping it off but was too slow to meet specific competition weight goals sooner rather than later and I don't want to do weird water manipulation things to lose weight at the last minute.)

I'm two and a half kilos away from my goal.

Yet, I've asked myself why I suddenly got completely as opposed to partially fed up of going so slow?

It is complex. There are a lot of changes going on in our lives right now and the most plausible hypothesis is that I made one new change that I had control of, which is different than the other changes.

Humans are like that about control and  finding solace in it at times of disruption and I'm very human.

This is higher risk behavior territory that I added onto a general moderate risk behavior already. To clarify what I mean: to move forward and lose weight AT ALL a few years ago, I ended up having to progressively ramp up my physical activity to levels that are beyond what the recommendation for physical activity is. I like it, it gives me energy and joy, it does not hurt my body -thanks also to the guidance of good people- and it helps with depression prevention. It's not a substitute for antidepressants and/or coping skills I learned in therapy but a daily influx of pleasant brain and body recharge which happens when I exercise enough.

Why is it a risk to start with then?

Well, it is: I've had to make room for this. It's become a priority. Again, not an overvalued idea (a false belief that is not delusional or obsessional but is highly preoccupying and takes a lot of room) but it is  a correct belief that takes a lot of room and time nevertheless. Strengths I have: 1-I'm always making sure that if my body says it's really tired, I skip exercise and rest. 2-I  (try to) sleep and eat well even when I diet now. 3-I hardly think this will be the end all be all goal in my life, bring me eternal happiness or solve all my current and future problems.

So we are in health territory...for now.

Which is giving me pause to watch myself more right now.

I've never had an addiction to substances if you don't count eating too much (I won't get into the comparison of substance abuse/addiction and overeating here but will another time) but I am highly reward oriented. I like really good books, really good music, really good people etc....

To be fair to myself lest I sound very frivolous, that is also because my depression management  requires this approach in part because of other things I do daily which are not frivolous and do take a cumulative toll. So I balance.

Here is the rub: my exercise and eating behavior is good for me and that's a reward in itself. It's also possibly reinforced by the attention I am suddenly getting for the first time in my life for being very fit.

It's weird friends: I was the kid who would not get picked in gym for team sports, not because I was overweight but because I'm disoriented and clumsy.  I may still be these things especially in certain settings like Muay Thai but I'm also often one of the fittest persons now.  That is a huge change.

I asked myself if it changed my self esteem? It doesn't deeply honestly.

I had confidence and insecurities before and I do now, just more confidence in certain areas. Also because of my wiring, I still have tendencies to pay more attention to what I need to improve than what I do well, and there is plenty to improve.

I guess I'm beating around the bush to come out and say that I have checked myself regularly to make sure I was not developing an eating disorder over the last few weeks given all the converging risks this situation presents. You see... athletes are at very high risk of developing maladaptive eating patterns paradoxically in the search for better health. And I know this. I know this very well.

So how can loved ones help?

It's pretty simple really: I think I'm well within the range of healthy behavior with nevertheless a continued risk to tank into not healthy behavior as long as I diet to lose weight fast.

Here is where you help: If I reach my goal at  62 or 63 kg and I start making new stories about needing to lose more weight,  please remind me that was not the goal. Show me this post.
 None of us is immune when it comes to behavioral dysregulation/losing perspective at some point.

So thank you for reading this long confessional and thank you in advance for helping me watch myself.


Love,

Anne